when the only place to move is forward…

there’s no doubt there has been a lot of movement in my life recently. an upcoming wedding, a burgeoning blog, a full-time job, going back to school, friendships, faith, inner discovery– all the usual things. for a while, i’ve been feeling like my plate has been way too full and i’m constantly trying to keep up.

all this while i’ve been extremely preoccupied, weighed down by the burdens of feeling unfulfilled and stagnant in my day job, confused as to where my career was going. writing, photography, and the green beauty community make me so happy but i began feeling lost as to what i was really supposed to be doing with my life and how to feel as passionate as i do about my writing in a full-time career.

this should be a happy time, my mom reminded me- i am going to marry the love of my life, after all. where planning the biggest day of my life should have excited me, it only made me feel worse.

everyday i woke up not wanting to go to work and dreaded being in the office, around people who didn’t care about me, didn’t encourage my growth nor recognize my contributions, and put me in such a negative place. it’s tough when there is so much resistance and so little support. i’d been searching for new jobs and interviewing like crazy because like the planner i am, i knew i couldn’t leave my job without having a new one ready. it would be too irresponsible.

weeks and months went by and every lead i had fell through: so many rejections and dead ends. i was left angry, bitter, and even more depressed because nothing was going according to my plan. God’s plan for me is still unraveling and it’s times like these when i’m reminded, life is never the way you expect it to be but you have to have faith in what already is and what God wants for you. it may not always be aligned to your preference.

i like pleasing people, i like feeling secure of my life, and i never back down from challenges, but too often these behaviors have held me back and had a more hurtful impact in my life rather than good. i was struggling, it was evident in my persona internally and externally, and something had to give.

after many pep-talks from my family and friends, praying for a solution, and actually taking time off from work to just breathe, i made the hardest and non-Kasey-like decision i’d never thought i’d succumb to: i quit.

i handed in my two-week notice, packed up my mostly bare workspace, and gave up on the security and predictability of a job i’d been holding onto for so long that never gave much back.

that’s not to say i’m not grateful for the experience, for the struggle. i think it’s all a part of my story and my growth and i’ll be thankful for it someday, but i realized that the only place to move was forward. and that was a decision only i could make. leaving my job was the only way to get there.

i’m unsure of what’s next and that truly scares me, but i know this: i’m going to be happier and i’m going to do great things in the end. i have the potential, the desire and the willingness to grow.

i’m excited to have more time to focus on my freelance writing jobs and my blog, connecting with positive people, enjoying my family and friends, and planning my wedding, all while exploring the possibilities of the future. here’s to the future!

 

Image Source: weheartit